The Fairway Cigarette And Its Enemies

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Despite originating in Scotland and South America respectively, there is nothing more American than the mid-golf round cigarette.

You’re coming off a hard slice into a three putt. You topped your approach as the cute cart girl drove by. She might’ve laughed had you not nearly beaned her with the barn-burning four iron. You ride up to the next hole after a complete debacle — we’re talking a quadruple bogey — only to be met with a three-cart pile up and a group of old women with arthritis. What do you do?

You fetch your lighter, and use your phone-a-friend on Mr. Marlboro.

When strategically timed, a savored cigarette can salvage your round. American Spirits, Marlboros, Parliaments? It doesn’t matter. As long as St. Nic is working his sweet, sweet magic, you are headed toward a round of a lifetime.

We at the Daily Caller, of course, are not above smacking a tee shot with smoke in mouth. Look at John Daly, for example. He can rip a dirty dart, then throw a dart. It’s pure America, and we love it. (RELATED: John Daly Orders $446.10 Worth Of Taco Bell After Drinking)

There are some, however, who want to take that right away from us. The goons at the Food and Drug Administration are taking away menthols and other flavored treats, while clubhouse Karens are glaring at us when we spark up in the tee box.

The young folk, who these days seem more keen on inhaling some kind of cotton candy-flavored electronic fumigation than a good old fashioned American loosie, may complain of such fictitious boogeymen like “second-hand smoke” or “lung cancer.” We say nay.

Manhood in this country is on the decline. We weigh more, pray less, and have fewer kids than ever before. That decline has coincided with the death of smoking. Coincidence? This columnist thinks not.

So next time you’re reeling after a botched chip onto the 12th green, and you feel it all slipping away, light one up. It’ll probably save your chance of breaking 90, and you might just start down a path of redemption while you’re at it.

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